Ish Smith has ice in his veins...

...and Jeff Teague has Kryptonian blood in his.

Exhibit A: Ish the Dish nailed yet another game-clinching, go-ahead shot in the waning seconds. Behold...



Which as the announcers were astute to notice, looks a heck of a lot like this shot, which I had the pleasure of witnessing in person...



Exhibit B: And then there's our own personal Agent Zero, with this sick line...

9-14 FG
5-6 3Pt
4-4 FT
27 Points

And he's a freshman. A freshman. Smallville Clark, if we're keeping with the Superman analogy.


---- bonus baseball coverage----

I don't know anything about the four prospects the Twins are getting for Santana. That said, I'm pretty surprised at the Twins, because the Yank's deal surrounding Phil Hughes and the Sox's deal surrounding either Lester or Ellsbury looked much more enticing.

Two weeks until Sox pitchers and catchers report!

The Djoker! YES!

Federer falls to Djokovic at Aussie Open

The Unifying Galactica Theory

If you've never watched Battlestar Galactica, then this will probably mean nothing to you. If you have a desire to watch the series in its entirety, spoiler-free, at some point in the future, then this isn't the post for you either. But I do have a reason to post this: when the series ends (the upcoming season will be the final), I want to look back and see what I got right and what I got wrong. In case I get something dead right, I want my theories and predictions to be on record.

So, without further adieu...

The Unifying Galactica Theory

Seven Key Facts

1. “All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again.” This is a quote from the human Scrolls that is repeated by humans, Cylons, and hybrids alike throughout the Series. Its significance is often emphasized, and other passages from the Scrolls have been proven to be accurate (the arrow of Apollo pointing the way to Earth, Roslin as the “dying leader”).

2. Saul Tigh has verifiable history going back over 40 years, to the first Cylon War. This predates the Cylon’s evolution into human form and would seem to be irreconcilable with the revelation that he is a Final Five Cylon.

3. At least four of the Final Five managed to not only A) survive the Cylon attack that killed all but approximately 60,000 humans (a death toll presumed to be in the billions), but also B) be in the same ship and in proximate location of each other when their respective “switch goes off” and they realize they are Cylons.

4. The “Significant Seven” Cylons are aware of a Final Five, but they are seemingly unaware of any details of their existence and all but one (Number Three) are against even discussing the topic.

5. The existence of Earth started as a mere legend. No human or Cylon in history (save perhaps Starbuck) has been confirmed to have been there. Despite this, the characters drive Hum-V’s, worship gods with names like “Apollo” and “Athena,” and a “cover” of a Bob Dylan song was used to “awaken” the Final Five to their true nature. All this implies there must be some kind of connection to Earth, whether any of the characters are aware of it or not.

6. Chief Tyrol, later revealed to be a Final Five Cylon, felt “drawn” to discover an ancient, hidden temple on an unexplored planet.

7. Starbuck and Baltar both to seem to be guided by some sort of “destiny” or supernatural force.

a. Throughout her life, Starbuck drew a color pattern, also found inside Tyrol’s temple, which would later be revealed as an accurate depiction of an exploding supernova the Galactica would encounter. She now appears to have been resurrected light years away from the location of her presumptive death and claims to have “been to Earth.” Even the Viper she was shot down in appears to be “resurrected” in pristine condition. The original hybrid told a dying Kendra Shaw that Starbuck “will lead the human race to its end, she is the herald of the apocalypse and the harbinger of death, and she must not be followed.”

b. Baltar has been “guided” by a mental image of the Number Six Cylon that he fell in love with. The nature of this image has yet to be explained. Mental Six has repeatedly indicated that Baltar has a special purpose, fulfilling the will of the Cylon God. Baltar was able to correctly “guess” the location of a weakness in a Cylon mining facility by what appeared (even to himself) to be a random selection. Various civilians now seem to be worshiping Baltar, or at least hold him in a high, religious esteem.

Is there a plausible, cinematic theory that would explain all these facts? I believe there is, except for the religious/mythological themes connected to Baltar and Starbuck, which will be discussed later.

The Cycle Theory

For facts 1-6, they can fit into the following theory: what we are witnessing in the Series is part of the latest “cycle of time.” There is no true beginning or end, but the events are roughly: humans leave Kobol for the Colonies, the Colonies are destroyed by humanity’s own creations (the Cylons), humans go to Earth for salvation from the Cylons, humans then presumptively leave Earth for Kobol, and the cycle repeats. The legend of a “13^th tribe/colony” that went straight from Kobol to Earth could serve as, geometrically speaking, a kind of “chord” that connects two points of the circle.

I will call this the Cycle Theory and it will be further explained by applying the theory to the first six facts I just listed.

1. This one is obvious, as the quote is just a rephrasing of the Cycle Theory’s postulation that time is circular, or at least that history’s major events have been repeated and will be repeated into infinity.

2. Tigh’s seemingly illogical existence as an organic Cylon during the first Cylon War is best explained by the Cycle Theory. I believe that the Final Five are Cylons from a previous cycle of time, perhaps the very first, perhaps the immediately preceding. They believe it is their purpose to ensure that time unfolds as it always has (see the above order). To that end, they send five “agents” (the Final Five Cylons) to be placed among humanity at all times. Once one dies, another copy is sent as its replacement (perhaps as a “baby” Cylon ala Superman, or maybe as a young adult, either would explain Tigh). The way they are “sent” is probably some super-advanced FTL drive. Where they are sent from is probably a type of “Ship of Lights,” which was a mysterious vessel (with mysterious-er inhabitants) featured in the original Series. For this Series, it would merely be a spaceship in some corner of space where the Final Five live and observe the passage of time and build new “agents.” Furthermore, the Final Five’s quasi-hallucinogenic appearance in the Kobol Opera House as cloaked in white robes projecting a pure, white light strongly implies a similarity to the Beings of Light from the original Series.

3. It seems improbable that the Final Five could all survive the destruction of the colonies and wind up on the same ship. Perhaps this is just “movie/tv logic” and will never be explained. However, I believe an explanation is possible. Since the four revealed to be Final Five Cylons in the Season 3 finale were previously unaware of the true nature, one could say they are programmed with an unconscious ability to carry out their mission to help/guide humanity to its literal destiny. Remember, those who sent them (which are essentially the original copies of these characters) already knew how the events of the Cycle are played out. Thus, the Five that were “active” during the attacks (the characters we have witnessed in the Series) would have been programmed to be in certain places at certain times and take certain actions to ensure their own survival. In the same way, they would be programmed to help ensure the “proper progress” of time.

4. I’m now quite sure how the Seven Cylons are aware of the Final Five. Perhaps in their travels through the regions of space they found the Ship of Lights and it scared the crap out of them. That would also explain why they don’t like to talk about it – they like to think they’ve got everything figured out and are in complete control. If they were to learn “other” Cylons who are practically omniscient, maybe they would just try and forget the whole thing.

5. The Cycle Theory would mean the humans we see would have actually been to Earth in the previous cycle. This explains so much of human culture being part of an otherwise “alien” show, even down to a Bob Dylan song (or the use of English for that matter). I know it’s a stretch to say “All Along with Watchtower” has been written over and over by humans during each cycle of time, but the inclusion of the song in the show was a stretch to begin with.

6. Chief Tyrol being drawn to the Final Five Temple goes back to what I already explained about the Final Five Cylons being “programmed” to act a certain way when a specific situation comes about, like when the Galactica stops at the temple’s planet for food supplies. This was merely a more obvious example of that unconscious programming.

Fact #7 deals with Baltar and Starbuck possibly having a religious nature or purpose. Since we are dealing with a fictionalized religion, it’s impossible to use mere logical analysis to infer the “truth” behind events, as I did with the Cycle Theory being derived from Facts 1-6. Anything, as the phrase goes, is possible. If I had to take a guess, Baltar could be the human incarnation of the monotheistic god that the Cylons worship. It goes without saying that this would make Baltar literally a Christ figure, and Mental Six as a kind of angel that helps guide Balter toward learning of his divinity. However, considering that Baltar is usually played as one of the show’s villains, I doubt there would be many definitive suggestions that he is literally the Jesus of this cycle of time. Another approach would be implying that the Cylon god turns out to be a demon or devil playing a trick or those gullible machines. The Cylons do claim to have slaughtered humanity because their sinful nature was an affront to their “loving god.” Sounds like a devilish trick to me.

There have been numerous implications that Starbuck has a specific destiny. Now she’s being referred to almost literally as an angel of death. This would seem to be true given that she must have resurrected somehow. It might as well be because she is actually an angel or a demon. But which one? The hybrid in Razor said she would bring humanity to its end, that she must not be followed, and was the herald of the apocalypse. This would seem to place her definitively on the “bad” side, even if she has good intentions. Of course, getting to Earth (which is the whole point of the show) could be thought of as “humanity’s end” and the “death” could be the yet-again slaughtering of humanity in the next cycle of time (humanity reaching Earth being an essential part of continuing the cycle). Or maybe it’s the Cylons’s death he was referring to, and not humanity’s (which would explain why he wouldn’t want her to be followed, since I assume he’ on the Cylon’s side).

As I said before, this is pure guess-work. If Baltar and Starbuck do have a religious or supernatural connections (a conclusion I think is inescapable), the writers could go almost anywhere. I doubt much detail could possibly be given, but I believe that, in the end, they will both be revealed to be angels or demons or maybe even gods or devils.

Another possibility for Baltar and Starbuck is that one of them is the fifth member of the Final Five. That would explain a lot for either character, but they can’t both be the last member, so I think religious implications may be in store for us either way. Also, I just think it’s too obvious for either to be a Cylon, and a revelation to that effect would be boring. Baltar, especially, is often depicted wondering (even hoping) he is a Cylon, so if he turns out to be the fifth member, I will be extremely disappointed.

Who is the last member of the Final Five?

If it’s not Starbuck or Baltar, who is the last member of the Final Five? This is the question on every fan’s mind. It has to be an established, fairly prominent character or else it would be anti-climatic. Ron Moore has said repeatedly that it won’t be Admiral Adama or President Roslin. I have one theory that would be absolutely mind-blowing: Zach Adama, the dead son of Admiral Adama. The “real” Zach Adama could have been switched out at birth by another Final Five agent and replaced with a Cylon baby, which would grow up and be naturally assumed by everyone, including himself, to be the Zach Adama. After his death some 25 years later, another copy could have been hidden on one of the civilian ships that would ultimately travel in the Galactica’s fleet. There are some vague clues that one of the Adamas could be a Cylon (one of the Cylons once whispered to Roslin that “Adama is a Cylon”), but this theory is mostly based on what an amazing plot twist it would be. Lee Adama could also be it for the same reasons, but I don’t think the writers would rob both Apollo and Starbuck – the main characters of both series – of their humanity. Zach Adama would be perfect: shocking, nigh-impossible to see coming, and wouldn’t betray the integrity of any main character.

Conclusion

The Final Five are actually Cylons from a previous cycle of time, and Zach Adama will be revealed as the final member. Starbuck is an angel and Baltar will believe he is the Cylon god reincarnated, but in fact he is a demon.

A handful of humans will make it to Earth, probably several thousand years B.C. They integrate themselves into our primitive society (Earth humans being the decedents of 13^th tribe that left Kobol straight to Earth), forming the final link of the cycle. The Cylons will be destroyed, probably with the help of the Final Five characters. The Final Five characters will all die (perhaps in a sacrifice to defeat the other Seven Cylons), but the last shots of the Series will be other copies of the Final Five, dressed in their white cloaks, dropping off five babies (again, fresh copies of the Five) with five families spread throughout the world. The Cycle has begun – again.

One final note: I believe much will be left to conjecture and implication, especially any religious themes. However, the point of this post was to throw out as many details as I could that fit under a single, consistent, cinematic theory and see if any of them turn out to be correct. I don’t think the series finale will air until 2009, so it may be awhile before I know the accuracy of these predictions.

Holy Tournamnet Update: The Closing Hymn

The Holy Tournament concluded today with the Baptist's victory over Native American Spiritualists (check out that second-half line; can I get an amen?). This is an encouraging win for the baby-faced, Bible-colored, born-agains after their close loss at the hands of the Agnostics*, who then went on to shockingly defeat the top-ranked Jews**.

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* I wanted to squeeze atheism or agnosticism somewhere into the Tourney, and I figured turtles probably don't spend much time thinking about religion.

**Yes, UNC are the Jews. Two reasons. One, I was unable to find a feet- or tar-based religion, but I did find a Hasidic folktale about a sacred goat. Two, Jews are awesome and they deserve to be in the Holy Tournament somewhere.

Editor's Note - a true shame we couldn't find time to play the Satan-Worshipers.

mr. consistency

My grades are in. The semester GPA is exactly 0.001 lower than the previous semester.

Coming Soon - My brilliant theory about Battletar Galactica.

I leave with Locke & Load's endorsement for the Presidency.

Baptists trounce Presbyterians and Mormons, get inquisitiownd by Catholics

Wake Forest 70, Presbyterian 58

Wake Forest 79, Brigham Young 62

Boston College 112, Wake Forest 73

Just when the Holy Tournament was going blessedly for the Baptists after easy wins over two up-start religions, the Catholics use their two thousand years of experience to lay down some serious martyrdom. Their use of the Trinity was especially prasie-worthy, with 13 of 19 hails finding their way to Mary. Compare that to the Baptist's sloth-like 4 of 17 effort. At least they're on the fast track to inheriting the earth.

i stole a couch

Behold.

It was sitting out in the cold next to my complex's dumpster, making it abandoned and thus incapable of actually being stolen (thank you Property I). Still, I got a FREE COUCH. Getting it from the dumpster up to my 3rd floor apartment might be my greatest physical accomplishment. I'm serious. Some people run marathons, some climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, I move a 7 x 2.5 x 3 foot couch to 3rd floor apartments by myself. Yes, I used the elevator, but you should have seen how I could just *barely* angle and incline the couch into and out of a fairly small elevator in a narrow hallway.

All in all, my opportunistic and spacial comprehension skills are on fire.