The Thing About Soccer

My experiment in referring to soccer as football ended after a few days. I began to hear whispers of fantasy football drafts on the internet, and it was like a bulb of heavenly light going off in my head. (BTW, are Wake peeps doing this again? Who won it last year? Is it really all over? Can't we have like an alumni league or something?) With visions of Reggie Bush and Steve Smith dancing in my head, I was suddenly brought back into the logical world where football and only football can possibly be football. So without further adieu, I give you the top ten reasons soccer is just... meh.

Top 10 Reasons Soccer is Just Meh (yes, I'm sticking with "meh.")

1. I admire the toughness behind the "no re-entry" rule for substitutions, but is it really necessary? Wouldn't soccer be much more exciting if so many players weren't just jogging around and conserving energy for most of the game? I know baseball has the same rule, but they're completely different styles of play. Baseball players essentially stand around most of the day. It's a thinking man's game. Soccer, however, is an active, running sport like basketball and *ahem*... football. Allow unlimited subs and you'll have more running around, more goals, and in general a more interesting game to watch.
   
2. Penalty Kicks. Horrible way to end a game. At least in hockey, the goalie has a good chance of stopping the puck. In soccer, it's darn near impossible. Is it really proper for a game to go from 100+ minutes of no goals to a complete and unhinged shootout? It's like having a home run derby to decide a baseball game that's locked in a pitcher's duel. It just feels wrong. Couldn't we move the placement of the ball back like, 10 feet? Case in point, the only PK "save" of the World Cup final was when the Italian goalie still guessed wrong but the Frenchie hit the goal post.
3. Why do the Italians wear blue and gold? Are they big Blues fans or something? Anyone?
   
4. Speaking of countries and their colors, the Netherlands is (are? be? ... Arby's?) the most confusing country like, ever. Their flag colors are red, white and blue but the whole nation is obsessed with orange. The place is officially called the "Netherlands," but everyone refers to it as "Holland," but people from there are just "Dutch." Where does "Dutch" come from? Furthermore, where was I about soccer?
5. We should all be allowed to retire by headbutting our adversaries. Wouldn't it be amazing if Arnold Plamer had headbutted Jack Nichlaus? Or what about Sampras and Agassi? Ron Artest and the city of Detroit? Maurice Clarett and himself?
6. Ok, that was a positive remark about soccer. Hey, I never said it was awful.
   
7. Why does Roger Federer wear a sports coat to his matches? Is there any precendent for this?
8. Ok, that wasn't exactly about the right sport. All these non-Big Four's run together anyway.
9. The contents of any World Cup trainer's water bottle should be replicated and spread to war torn nations, as they all apparently have the ability magically cure even the most paralyzing of injuries.
   
10. Soccer is only interesting every four years. And last time it was busy being interesting at like 3am. Not that that would be a problem now'a'days.