If Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Played Today, His Nickname Would Be iSlam.

This joke is the culmination of two events that happened this weekend (with more to follow). One, I bought a new MP3 player (Creative Zen MicroPhoto) and two, I'm starting to confuse the words Islam and Israel, much like marshmallow/mushroom, Best Buy/Blockbuster, Rockies/Avalanche and Golden Corral/Cracker Barrel.

Yes, I realize the horrible irony of confusing Islam and Israel. Might as well confuse Yankees with Red Sox, left with right, Quantitative Analysis with my undergrad GPA. Thankfully the confusion hasn't surfaced vocally, just visually. Still, you have no idea how strange it is to read about how the Jews are at war with "Israel."

Anyway back to the events of this weekend...

• The power went out on me. Twice. In two different cities. The first was Friday at my house. Solution: two hours at Barnes & Nobles. Next was at Brian's apartment on Saturday, coming back with him and Bear from dinner and Hollywood Video. Solution: sneaking back to our old stomping grounds, the Wake Forest campus, to watch Munich in a classroom in Calloway.
  
• David Ortiz knocked in his 100th and 101st RBI of the season on Sunday. It's not even August yet.
  
• It's that time of the year, when the Yankees trade for a high-priced All-Star to fill their gaps. This time it's in the form of Bobby Abreu, pushing the team salary to roughly 200 trillion dollars.
  
• The Phillies then decided to throw in a starting pitcher just for the hell of it.
• But hey, who needs All-Stars when you can trade for a relief pitcher even I've never heard of! At least he didn't allow any hits between 1998 and 2006. And he even played (an inning).
  
• I've never been so happy to see the return of a pitcher with an ERA over 8. Anyone remember back in spring training when I noticed Boston had seven options for their starting rotation? Well, recently the Sox have been down to just two of the original seven: Beckett and Schilling. The Others? Arroyo was traded, Clement, Wells and Wakefield got hurt, and Papelbon turned into an All-World closer.

Ok, ok, so the "events" of my weekend were mostly just my brain firing off synapses about baseball. If you know me at all I'm pretty sure you saw that coming.



PS- I mistype "pitcher" as "picther" almost invariably, so I've noticed that eblogger's spell check doesn't even have "pitcher" as a suggestion, but it does have "victory" and "peachtree". Seriously, does it look to you like I'm trying to spell "PEACHTREE!?"

Also, I've told it to learn "Ortiz" about 500 times.

Choo choo... (groan)

My Dad took the family to Boone and Blowing Rock this past weekend. Sounds fun, right? Well, not when the whole purpose of the trip revolves around country music. We saw the Nitty Gritty (sp?) Dirt Band on Saturday night, which by all accounts wasn't that bad. After two hours I figure I'm in the clear. Not so. The hotel we were staying at has a sign that says "Welcome Riders in the Sky." These "Riders," I would soon learn, were childhood idols of my father's and performing in Tweetsie Railroad on Sunday. So, we of course have to go to see them too. Just to clear things up...

Me, age 22.
Robert, age 28.
Mom, age 61.
Dad, age 64.

And we're all walking around in a freaking children's amusement park. After getting about 3 hours sleep the night before due to my brother's jet engine-level snoring, I wasn't the happiest camper. But I kept my mouth shut and didn't complain (I don't want to be that guy). So after I sat through an hour of 50's cowboy music, I again think I'm in the clear. Nope! We have to go on the actual freaking Tweetsie Railroad train. Every other group on board has a child under the age of 12 with them. The only people my age were the guys playing the cowboys and Indians during the outlaw robbery and Indian attack that are part of the ride.

I guess what I'm saying is, after graduating from college and turning 22, I've just been itching to do more "adult" things. Like going out at night with friends, drinking scotch, not going to Tweetsie Freaking Railroad. Those kind of things. Thank God I had my trip to New York. I may have already covered this, but it was such a rush to travel on my own. I admit that after a week I got pretty lonely, but that doesn't take away from the romance of losing yourself in a new and exciting city where you are in complete control of whatever you want to do, not having to answer to or confer with anyone.

Okay, enough with my coming-of-age whiny garbage. Onto the default topic of sorts around here- weird sports news.

---

NY Islanders can new GM, hire back-up goalie instead. Don't you wonder how crap like this gets started?

Owner: We need a new GM. Someone who can work for us long term. You know, more than a month.
Sarcastic Assistant: I hear the goalie plays a mean NHL Hockey 94.
Owner: You sir, are a ____ing genius. I want a contract offer by Monday.
Sarcastic Assistant: But-

---

Don't laugh. I dare you.

---

I don't mean to complain about the Red Sox sweeping a series, but it's the Royals, and it was by a combined three runs. Can't I bitch just a little? No? Ok...

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Snakes on a Plane! No, really!


Ok, that's not about sports and it's over a month old but it's late and I'm running out of material. As a final remark, does anyone else watch TLC's "Untold Stories of the ER"? The doctors and patients quite often play themselves, leading to plenty of unintentional comedy. Problem is, you then realize that these are true stories and real people were traumatized. Not only that, but the affected people are right there, re-enacting (however poorly) the same horrifying drama you're laughing at. Humor and basic human decency are waging a deadly war in my head... and I love every moment of it.

The Thing About Soccer

My experiment in referring to soccer as football ended after a few days. I began to hear whispers of fantasy football drafts on the internet, and it was like a bulb of heavenly light going off in my head. (BTW, are Wake peeps doing this again? Who won it last year? Is it really all over? Can't we have like an alumni league or something?) With visions of Reggie Bush and Steve Smith dancing in my head, I was suddenly brought back into the logical world where football and only football can possibly be football. So without further adieu, I give you the top ten reasons soccer is just... meh.

Top 10 Reasons Soccer is Just Meh (yes, I'm sticking with "meh.")

1. I admire the toughness behind the "no re-entry" rule for substitutions, but is it really necessary? Wouldn't soccer be much more exciting if so many players weren't just jogging around and conserving energy for most of the game? I know baseball has the same rule, but they're completely different styles of play. Baseball players essentially stand around most of the day. It's a thinking man's game. Soccer, however, is an active, running sport like basketball and *ahem*... football. Allow unlimited subs and you'll have more running around, more goals, and in general a more interesting game to watch.
   
2. Penalty Kicks. Horrible way to end a game. At least in hockey, the goalie has a good chance of stopping the puck. In soccer, it's darn near impossible. Is it really proper for a game to go from 100+ minutes of no goals to a complete and unhinged shootout? It's like having a home run derby to decide a baseball game that's locked in a pitcher's duel. It just feels wrong. Couldn't we move the placement of the ball back like, 10 feet? Case in point, the only PK "save" of the World Cup final was when the Italian goalie still guessed wrong but the Frenchie hit the goal post.
3. Why do the Italians wear blue and gold? Are they big Blues fans or something? Anyone?
   
4. Speaking of countries and their colors, the Netherlands is (are? be? ... Arby's?) the most confusing country like, ever. Their flag colors are red, white and blue but the whole nation is obsessed with orange. The place is officially called the "Netherlands," but everyone refers to it as "Holland," but people from there are just "Dutch." Where does "Dutch" come from? Furthermore, where was I about soccer?
5. We should all be allowed to retire by headbutting our adversaries. Wouldn't it be amazing if Arnold Plamer had headbutted Jack Nichlaus? Or what about Sampras and Agassi? Ron Artest and the city of Detroit? Maurice Clarett and himself?
6. Ok, that was a positive remark about soccer. Hey, I never said it was awful.
   
7. Why does Roger Federer wear a sports coat to his matches? Is there any precendent for this?
8. Ok, that wasn't exactly about the right sport. All these non-Big Four's run together anyway.
9. The contents of any World Cup trainer's water bottle should be replicated and spread to war torn nations, as they all apparently have the ability magically cure even the most paralyzing of injuries.
   
10. Soccer is only interesting every four years. And last time it was busy being interesting at like 3am. Not that that would be a problem now'a'days.
    

'06 Locke and Load MLB All-Stars (part 2)

Before we get to the sleep-inducing roster segment, here are some observations I made while writing these two articles.

1. The Detroit Tiger's rotation includes: Justin Verlander (3.12 ERA), Nate Robertson (3.14), Kenny Rogers (3.72), and Jeremy Bonderman (3.65). That, my friends, is just plain unfair. Also, please notice how all those ERA's are lower than your AL All-Star starter's.

2. All the evidence you need for scrapping this one-player-from-each-team rule? The Kansas City Royals. Their All-Star representative is Mark Redman, he of an ERA approaching six. If you are a Royals fan, and God bless your soul if you are, wouldn't you prefer your team to just wallow in obscurity during the All-Star break then being embarrassed by the fact that Mark "5.59 ERA" Redman is the closest you have to an elite caliber player?

If Trot Nixon were a Royal, he'd be a 5-time All-Star.

3. Trot Nixon's OPS > Alex Rodriguez's OPS

4. Atlanta's Jeff Francoeur has an on-base percentage of .272, meaning he makes an out almost 75% of the time. And in over 350 plate appearances, he's drawn seven walks. Seven. Just to show you how mind-bogglingly awful all this is; Pokey Reese, widely regarded as one of the worst hitters to find regular playing time in recent history, has a career OBP of .307. And our boy Frenchy was on the USA's World Baseball Classic team. No wonder we lost. And no wonder the Braves suck.

5. Juan Pierre is on pace for 24 RBI. I think A-Rod once hit that many in one game.

Still with me? Alright, to the point:

Hitters

C- Brian McCann. Fan's pick: Paul Lo Duca. The NL's supply of catchers is incredibly weak. To my surprise, Lo Duca was a legitimate candidate here. Sadly, the best I can come up with is some dude named McCann who put up an OPS above .900 while playing part-time for the Braves. Just to review: Jeff Francoeur (OBP .272)? Full-time. McCann (OBP .417)? Splits time with Todd Pratt (OBP .255).

1B- Albert Pujols. Fan's pick: same. Hey, they got one right! He missed three weeks and is still on pace for 63 HR's and 165 RBI. Insane.

2B- Chase Utley. Fan's pick: same. Come to think of it, it's kind of boring when the fans keep getting them right.

SS- Edgar Renteria. Fan's pick: Jose Reyes. I've criticized Reyes as overrated since he came into the league. The insistence of the Mets to bat him leadoff when he was getting on-base at a weak .300 rate were a major source of their previous struggles. So naturally, as Reyes pumped his OBP up to the .350ish range and increased his power, the Mets look like they'll finally win that blasted NL East. So why did I go with Renteria? It was essentially a toss-up and I was tired of agreeing with the fan vote.

3B- Miguel Cabrera. Fan's pick: David Wright. Again, close call. Wright has a few more homers, but Miggy's OBP clip is a good bit better (.437 vs .389). Plus the need-to-disagree-with-fan-vote factor comes into play.

OF- Jason Bay, Carlos Beltran, Adam Dunn. Fan's pick: Bay, Beltran, Alfonso Soriano. Yes, Adam Dunn is hitting .234. But his OBP (are you getting the feeling this is important to me?) is in the .370's, well above Soriano. So given their power numbers (HRs and slugging %) are essentially the same, it was an easy pick.

Reserves- Mike Barrett (C), Lance Berkman and Ryan Howard (1B), Dan Uggla, somehow (2B), Jose Reyes (SS), Wright and Scott Rolen (3B), Soriano, Carlos Lee, Bobby Abreu and Rockies' representative Matt Holliday (OF). Pretty similar to the actual reserves. Barrett got extra points for punching Pierzynski in the face. Yes, it was a dirty play and no, I don't care.

Pitchers - Jason Schmidt is my starter, and it was a very close call. You can also make legit arguments for Chris Carpenter, Brandon Webb, Bronson Arroyo or Brad Penny. Rounding out the starters are Chris Capuano and Chris Young. Amazingly, I'm leaving off studs like Pedro Martinez, Tom Glavine, Dontrelle Willis, John Smoltz, Roy Oswalt and some guy named Josh Johnson. There simply wasn't enough room. Relievers are Trevor Hoffman, Tom Gordon, Jason Isringhausen and Billy Wagner.




By the way, if you're still reading this, you're probably a close, personal friend and I should invite you over to my house for dinner.

'06 Locke and Load MLB All-Stars (part 1)

That's what the fans said? Really? Paul Friggin Lo Duca? Wait, Ozzie left Schilling off? And he's starting WHO!?!? OMG that's it.

(like I wasn't going to do this no matter who was selected)

If you want to know who really deserves All-Star selections, you've stumbled across the right place. All official selection rules are followed. For each team, I have 8 starting hitters, 11 reserve hitters (at least one at each position), 8 starting picthers and 4 relievers. And of course, at least one player from each team (ugh).

All right, let the boredom start!

Hitters:

C- Joe Mauer. Fan's pick: Ivan Rodriguez. If it weren't for Mauer batting nearly .400 and his on-base percentage being 130 points higher than I-Rod's, I might call this even. Really, there is no comparison. Mauer is the run away winner here.

1B- Jim Thome. Fan's pick: David Ortiz. Yes, I'm going against my boy. But look at the numbers. Thome has Ortiz beat in BA, OBP and slugging; all by pretty safe margins. I know Thome has only played 2 games at first this year, but it's his natural position and he can play it without difficulty, which is good enough for me. I'm withholding Travis Hafner from consideration cuz I have serious concerns whether the man can actually play the field.

2B- Ian Kinsler. Fan's pick: Mark Loretta. My God what am I doing. Going against another Red Sox? Yup. Loretta can't touch Kinsler's .900 OPS. Although he only has 122 ABs, he might not be eligible. I scoured google for like 15 minutes and I couldn't find the All-Star eligibility rules. If he can't play just throw Mark DeRosa up there, he frequents second base enough and has the exact same OPS as Kinsler.

Ok, let's get these two out of the way, as I am unfortunately unable to contest their selections:

SSDerekJeter3BAlexRodriguez.

Whew.

OF- Manny Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Vernon Wells. Fan's pick: Ramirez, Ichiro, Vlad Guererro. I am so tired of Ichiro. Harold Reynolds reasoning for his selection was "He's Ichiro! You gotta have Ichiro in the All-Star game!" Heavens above that is how 10 year old boys (and Dick Vitale) reason their picks.

Reserves- Ramon Hernandez (C), Ortiz and Hafner (1B), DeRosa (2B), Miguel Tejada (SS), Troy Glaus and Kevin Youkilis (3B), Raul Ibanez, Guererro, Trot Nixon and Grady Sizemore (OF). I threw Hafner in there so he can pinch hit (he does lead the AL in OPS after all). I know I cheated a bit on Youks at third but he's played there several times this year. Also, I'm dead freaking serious about Trot Nixon. Minus the injured Alex Rios, he has the fourth highest OPS among all AL outfielders. Am I the only one on earth that notices this stuff? (yes)

Pitchers:

Your AL game starter: Johan Santana. He is, without a doubt, the best starting pitcher in baseball. Other starters: Francisco Liriano, Mike Mussina, Curt Schilling, Scott Kazmir, Jeremy Bonderman, Barry Zito, John Lackey. I selected them as having the best combinations of ERA and K/9. Relievers: Bobby Jenks, BJ Ryan, Jon Pabelbon, Mariano Rivera. Ozzie Guillien is starting (!) Mark Buehrle, which is amazingly stupid. His ERA is only good for 19th best among AL starters and his strikeouts are embarrassing low at 4 per 9 innings. See Fire Joe Morgan for more on this.

Crap. I just realized I have no one from Kansas City. See, this is why I hate this Bud Selig and his stupid rules. Well, technically, there's still 1 spot left open for when the fans vote on one more player via online poll. Let's just squeeze David DeJesus (a fairly impressive .878 OPS in limited at-bats) into that slot and be done with it.

Good God Almighty. That poll I was just referring to? Well the real one is up on MLB.com and Curt Schilling isn't included but AJ Pierzynski IS!!!!! What, did we need to add that critical SEVENTH White Sox to the roster?!?!?!?

Someone hold me.

Part 2 (NL) coming soon.