re: the deathly hallows

Done. At last. Four thousand and one hundred pages later. I'm forgoing my usual long list of minor complaints out of respect for a series that was immensely exciting, thought-provoking, and heartfelt.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is the quickest 750 page book you'll ever read - I ran threw the last third of it in one night. It's absolutely packed with action and brilliantly paced, except for the final few chapters, where the build up to the final showdown is a little drawn out and the immediate aftermath is too brief. That said, the manner of Harry's victory is some of the best plot unraveling this side of the Shawshank Redemption.

I do have one huge beef - the fate of Lupin and Tonks, who were my two favorite characters in the whole series. What happened to them is exactly what Samuel L. Jackson feared when he told Lucas he didn't want Mace Windu to die "like some punk." You see, Lupin and Tonks did just that - they suffered an off-page death, and for little to no purpose. I wouldn't have minded a spectacular or heroic death, where their sacrifice is essential to the final victory. I may have even loved that. But we didn't get that. We got the exact opposite - the book would have played out almost identically had they lived, and those characters deserved better than to have their status as living or dead be inconsequential. After finishing the book, I read that they did survive in the original draft, but since JK couldn't bring herself to kill Arthur Weasley, she instead killed Lupin and Tonks to satisfy her bloodlust to "kill parents."

Bottom-line, America: Lupin and Tonks were two awesome characters and, at the very least, deserved an on-page death like Fred.

Speaking of deaths, I want to take an opportunity here to list the body count in this series of "children's books." Not even counting bad guys and those who died before the series began: Cedric Diggory, Albus Dumbledore, Sirius Black, Hedwig, Mad-Eye Moody, Rufus Scrimgeour, Ted Tonks, Dobby, Fred Weasley, Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, Colin Creevy, and probably a dozen small characters I can't recall. JK Rowling is without a doubt the most macabre author I've ever read.

I had also been hoping to see a certain fight that would have been pulse-poundingly brilliant: either Hagrid or Lupin going toe-to-toe with Voldemort. Perhaps keeping him in check until Harry finished the job. You see, there had been hints Lupin and Hagrid were both much more powerful wizards then they let on. Lupin conjured fire without a wand in PoA and got through the Department of Mysteries fight without a scratch on him. In TOOTP, Hagrid took on multiple Ministry officials at once and won. I wanted to see just how far their power really went by having them duel with the ultimate villain. Instead, we get McGonagall, Kingsley, and Slughorn dueling with a Voldemort whose power had already been toned down by Harry's (intended) martyrdom. That's ok, but I think a duel with Hagrid or Lupin would have been way cooler.

Upon finishing the series and achieving totally immunity to spoilers, I finally indulged myself in character entries on places like Harry Potter Wiki. Does anyone else enjoy reading those type of articles? I do. Anyway, reading them informed me that JK has added on a lot of "oh by the way stuff" to the series through various speeches, book signings, interviews, webchats, etc. She's revealed things like Dumbledore's sexual orientation, what supporting characters married each other and the names of their kids, and what jobs the characters held after Hogwarts. This seems generally accepted as canonical, and I have a problem with that.

I think the only things that can be canon to the books are the books themselves. Each individual reader is then allowed to insert information between the lines and make their own, slightly personalized Potterverse. For example, if I were to think that, in the "Nineteen Years Later" segment, that Flitwick was the current headmaster, would I really be "wrong" if JK came out tomorrow and said Sprout was the headmistress? I say no.

Fred and George's "Wow, we're identical!" line upon polyjuicing into two Harrys was hands down the best joke of the series.

I hate to say it, but Snape's revelation as a good guy from the start doesn't make complete sense. Why did he have to reveal to Voldemort the time of Harry's departure from the Durselys? Would he really be expected to have access to this super-sensitive knowledge after killing Dumbledore? I doubt it.

Finally, I am left a bit sad, knowing I'll never read another adventure of these crazy kids. I'll miss Hermione the most. Her and her brains. Big. Huge. Brains.

re: half-blood prince

The sixth book, while entertaining as always, is limited in the sense that it's too much like the fifth book. Again, there really isn't an overarching "Harry must do this" plot, only a couple mysteries the reader is tasked with figuring out. Again, the subplot has Gryffindor winning the Quidditch Cup without the help of Harry. Again, the mysteries develop into an exciting Wizard brawl that results in the death of a beloved father figure, and again the culprit gets away. Again, I am left so eager to learn what is to come that I barely go a couple hours before opening up the next book. THBP is, however, a notable improvement over TOTP in that it is about 200 pages shorter; the needless, repetitive filler that plagued the 5th book is thankfully eliminated. A round of applause to JK's editor.

I got tired of the pure bitch-fest style of these reviews, so this time I'm giving more of a running diary of my thoughts concerning the book. Equals parts bitching and giddy speculation.

• Very interesting opening two chapters, as Rolwing takes the third person limited perspective away from Harry for the first time in the series.
• Finally, Draco has something to do other than be annoying.
• You need certain test results taken at age 15 to pursue certain magical careers? Is this China?
• I am not accepting for a moment that just because a kid gets sorted into Slytherin House that he’s totally down with a peer being in league with a mass murderer. Slytherin House seeks out students who are pure-blooded and ambitious, not evil.
• Draco paralyzes Harry with a spell, but doesn't bother to take his invisibility cloak? Sure, Rowling, that'd happen.
• I'm half way through the book and I'm almost positive the titular "Half-Blood Prince" is Snape. The Prince is a master potions maker, just like Snape. The Prince also made note of the counter-jinx to that levitate-by-the-ankles thing, which James Potter used to bully Snape in school. So what if the book is 50 years old? We don't know anything about Snape's background. He could have been very poor growing up and needed to use old textbooks. Who else could it be? Lupin said it wasn't him or Sirius or James, I doubt Voldy or a Death Eater would brag about being half-blood, Hagrid and Pettigrew don't seem smart enough, and Slughorn and Dumbledore were students more than 50 years ago. Snape seems like the only candidate, as anyone else would be anti-climatic. My only worry is that this seems too obvious. Have I missed something?
  
• Wait a sec. Harry's new-found skills at Potions remind Slughorn of his mother, eh? Hmmm... could the book be written by his mom, and the "Property of the Half-Blood Prince" line refer to her own relationship with her "prince," James? But wasn't James pureblood? Was she mistaken, perhaps? Did James tell her this so she'd think they had more in common? Or maybe she was in love with someone else at the time? Well, at least I have a competing theory now, albeit an anti-feminist and thus unlikely one.
  
• Malfoy's getting thinner, "like Tonks," eh? And Tonks has a tendency to show up when Malfoy is supposed to be around. Tonks has also been acting strange and her patronus changed forms. And we know Malfoy has access to loads of Polyjuice potion. Could Malfoy be transforming into Tonks? Was that his task? If so, what happened to Tonks? She was cool, please don't be dead.
• Whatever Malfoy's up to is taking an emotional and physical toll on him. Hmmm... in every year but his third Harry has fought some form of Voldy. Malfoy must be trying to find a way for Voldy to enter Hogwarts, right? Maybe Voldy is trying to possess Malfoy? But how does that tie into the cursed necklace and the poisoned drink? Maybe he's trying to assassinate Dumbledore to help Voldy get to Hogwarts? That could work...
• You know, the only reason Harry got a Saturday morning detention is because Rowling is tired of writing Quidditch matches. But I'm tired of reading them, so it's a win-win.
• Vanishing Cabinets. How did I not see that coming, what with their like one mention in the entirety of the series.
• So Dumbledore dies at the hands of Snape. And yet, I still think Snape's a good guy. Did Dumbledore want Snape to kill him? I think so - perhaps Dumbledore had told Snape he was to kill him rather than blow his cover. "Severus, please..." could mean just that. It might not make complete "real world" sense but it'd probably do in the Potterverse. Maybe I'm grasping at straws, but Snape being a bad guy just doesn't seem to add up. Dumbledore must have trusted him for a reason - and Harry's most hated teacher turning out, in the end, to be a hero would be a far more interesting story arc than him just being as bad as we were always led to believe.
• I'm getting tired of the chapter titles and the accompanying drawings giving away plot points. This chapter was the worst yet: it's entitled "Flight of the Prince" and has a picture of Snape, thus revealing the identity of the HBP. Is this really how you want your plot mysteries uncovered, JK?

P.S. Happy 250th post to me!

re: the dark knight and the bat-future

I'm plainly awful at giving well-written, paragraphed-formated reviews so I'm just going to toss out thoughts as they come to me.

Overall, Nolan brilliantly maintained tension throughout the film, a difficult task for a 2 1/2 hour flick. I did feel it was a tad long. We could have done without the China bounty hunting subplot, however awesome it was to watch. The cell phone sonar tool was also a little too gimmicky and seemed to only be there to give Morgan Freeman something to do. The music was brilliant - that "thingsarereallytensewhatsgonnahappenohmygod!!!!" screeching noise was used perfectly. I didn't like the IMAX format, sadly. It was too hard to tell what was going on, having to turn my neck to see from stage left to stage right, and the Fenway-esque legroom (as in, none at all) for 2 and 1/2 straight hours bordered on unbearable (I needed an "act three stretch"). TDK also suffered a little from the "two endings" problem, as we jumped from the Joker vs Batman final showdown right to the Two-Face vs Batman/Gordon final showdown.

We were all wrong about Heath Ledger. Myself included. How could you blame us though? He hadn't done anything approaching this level of acting before. Admittedly, anyone would look creepy with that make-up. But what impressed me was that perfect Joker voice. Where did that come from? It didn't sound anything like Heath, but it also didn't sound forced at all. We saw no Heath and heard no Heath, and that complete disappearance into character is what made him so frightening - the Joker essentially became a real person. What's more, the lack of a definitive Joker origin made him more like a force of nature than a man - not unlike the "incorruptible symbol" of Batman. This Joker is immediately put into the debate of the best film villain ever.

How can Gary Oldman look so different from movie to movie? I can't believe James Gordon, Sirius Black, and the villain from The Professional were played by the same actor. And then when you see Gary Oldman on the red carpet, you're like "so that's what he looks like." It can't be all haircuts and mustaches, can it? Shouldn't be possible.

My fasting from any TDK trailers, commercials, or images appears to have paid off. I have read complaints that people knew Gordon hadn't died because scenes of him in the trailers had yet to be shown in the film.

IMDB informed me that Nestor Carbonell, who plays Gotham's mayor, was in fact the parodical Batmanuel in the live action version of The Tick.

The disappearing pencil trick is right up there with Indiana Jones preempting a sword fight with a revolver as among the best morbid gags in movie history.

Any appearance by William Fichtner (the shotgun-wielding bank manager, also of Equilibrium, Black Hawk Down and Prison Break fame) is worth noting.

Since TDK broke every record ever for movie revenue and our culture expects action movies to come in trilogies, a third movie seems unavoidable. That's both bad and good. Good because Nolan, Bale, and Co. obviously know how to put together masterpieces of Batman theater, and it's silly to think they couldn't do it a third time. Bad because TDK was so insanely, genre-transcending good (currently the best movie ever per IMDB), the third installment just has to disappoint. I mean, what could be thrown at Batman that's more challenging and entertaining than the Joker's chaos-for-sake-of-chaos scheme? I'm not sure, but let's run down some possible baddies:

• The Penguin. I think including the Penguin would be a must for this reason - this Batman has yet to face an enemy with the monetary resources to match Bruce Wayne. Drop the DeVito "deformed short guy" angle and make the Penguin a billionaire businessman / uber crime lord. Put him at the top of the pyramid, running or recruiting other baddies. Have him use money to control cops and judges the way the Joker used fear. Oh, and he has to be played by Paul Giamatti. That's non-negotiable.
• The Riddler. I think it was Gary Oldman who said The Riddler would be next. I'm not really thrilled about this because the Riddler just seems too much like The Joker. And there's nothing really that interesting about him, anyway. I mean, he asks questions. Ooooo. Alright, so in the comics he also sets traps ala the Saw movies. But I don't want this beautiful franchise to turn into a ripoff of gore fests.
  
• Catwoman. With Rachel Dawes dead, it'd make sense to introduce a new Batman love interest. My biggest worry here is that Halle Barry's crap-fest version might be too fresh in our minds. And she wouldn't have to be a villain - perhaps a rival vigilante instead.
  
• Bane. In the comics, Bane is unique for being the one villain who truly defeated Batman. In the Knightfall storyline, he snapped Batman's back like a twig and put him out of commission for an extended period of time. I believe a former Robin and some guy named Azrael donned the Batsuit while Bruce was rehabbing. I'm not sure how this could work on film. It'd be a great way to end a 2nd installment - ala Han Solo in carbonite - but what of a final part of a trilogy? You'd have to throw the back-breaking in the middle and have a long time lapse instead. I'm not sure that'd work well at all.
• Two-Face. Is he dead? Even if he's not, what does he have left to do? Kill more mobsters, I guess. But wouldn't that feel like the last third of TDK all over again?
• The Joker. I think - think - there's a way to include The Joker. Have Batman visit him in Arkham for some reason, and we don't see his face. But we do hear Mark Hamill speaking. Hmmm? I mean, even if they brought back The Joker full-force, even played exceptionally well by some other actor, what would be the point? Batman already met that challenge - we need to give him a new one.
• Harley Quinn. Throwing in the Joker's Animated Series-created girlfriend might be cool if done correctly.
• Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Clayface - way too gimicky for Nolan's (relatively) grounded, realistic Bat-verse. Stay far away.
  

I have no final answers here, only that I'd be absolutely giddy for a Giamatti Penguin. Perhaps him, Bane, and a quasi-good Catwoman, who fills in for a broken Batman? Hmmm.

re: the order of the phoenix

Overall, I was disappointed with most of the book. It's 870 pages long, and in 75% of it nothing of any consequence occurs. Where as the previous books all had a clearly defined plot - getting the Philosopher's Stone, finding the Chamber of Secrets, looking out for the "mass murderer" Sirius Black, and competing in the Triwizard Tournament - here it's "What's up with Harry's dream?" The only thing that kept me going was the commitment I already gave to the story and characters by reading the other books.

That said, the last 1/5 of the book made the manically drawn out buildup all worth it, because it's absolutely incredible. We finally get a real goodies-vs-baddies Wizard showdown, which was awesome. The exploration of how Harry's psyche is breaking down form his constant life-and-death situations was also very well-done.

Now to the gripes. The first one is just too big for a bullet-point.

Harry's hearing at the Ministry was ridiculous. So many basic fundamentals of modern law were being violated at once my legal mind could barely keep up. Where to begin? Well, first, why was Cornelius Fudge running the hearing? He's the Minister of Magic - which I'm assuming is the chief executive position of the Ministry - and he's running a courtroom? Can you imagine a President or Prime Minister also acting as judge for a juvie court? Haven't Wizards heard of a little thing called "separation of powers?" Second, why was Harry not offered representation or allowed to present a defense? I know Fudge had an anti-Potter agenda, but the other twenty or so wizards on the court were just like "whatever" when Fudge cut off all of Harry's statements. Third, Fudge actually tried to prevent Harry from even presenting witnesses on his behalf. And who corrects him? Not one of the other judges, but the witness himself, Dumbledore! And fourth, why did the "witness" Dumbledore suddenly turn into Harry's lawyer, making all these legal arguments for acquittal?

Like I said, those few pages left me with a giant headache.

Okay, the rest:

• What is up with Harry Potter turning into an unceremonious asshole? I can't get into a book where the protagonist snaps at his friends for dumb reasons, and sometimes no reason at all. I'm pulling for Malfoy this year. (OK, well, it seems Voldy was semi-possessing him, so at least this one is explained).
• Ah, Professor Umbridge. Another character we're supposed to hate and - shockingly! - she's fat.
• Umbridge sentences Harry Potter to self-inflicted torture for detention and he just... goes along with it? Peas and rice, Harry can be stupid sometimes. This bears repeating: a teacher violates his basic human rights and he doesn't tell anyone else on the staff. Atta boy, Potter.
• What do they mean Fudge is "behind" all this legislation? So he's the chief executive, a judge on the highest wizard court, and drafts laws, AND has his own private army, AND HE CONTROLS THE PRESS?! In other words, he's Hitler. Only worse, because no special circumstances led to these all-encompassing powers. Wizards just thought it in their best interest to be governed by a dictatorship. Heil Fudge!!
• Also, I seriously hope that Hogwarts is a public school. Otherwise, the Ministry of Magic really is a police state.
  
• I get it, Rowling. Malfoy likes to provoke people. You've written this a hundred times over, so for Merlin's sake, find something else for Malfoy to do. It's getting really, really annoying.
• And while I'm at it, I also get that Umbridge is an evil, soulless, annoying tool. I get it. You don't have to give us a new example of her bitchiness ever few pages. JUST GET ON WITH THE DAMN PLOT.
• Thank you, Sirius's great grand dad or whatever, for finally telling Harry how incredibly dense he is. At last, my voice has found its way into this text. And really, Harry is pretty stupid. His logical conclusions and assumptions about what other people are thinking are just horrendous.
• Harry is desperate for some means of communicating with Sirius. Apparently he has already forgotten about the mysterious package Sirius gave him a hundred pages ago (not very long ago at all in this book) that allows for some kind of communication between them. Again, I must ask, why does Rowling make Harry so incredibly stupid?
  
• As I said above, almost no flaws in the last 200 pages. That was all very well done. Too bad it took 670 pages of pointless, mind-numbing filler to get there.

The movie:

I think this is the first time where the movie is clearly superior to the book. They must have left out half of the text, but it was the boring stuff, so you can barely even tell. Some events were shuffled or simplified to keep the pacing up, which was much needed. Harry's temper tantrums toward his friends were blessedly toned down. The subtle buildup to Ron and Hermione's clearly impending romance was realistic and not forced at all, which I feared it might. Speaking of Hermione, my word. The 5th movie was when the beauty really hit the fan. Yowza.

The action at the end was just as good, if not better, than the book. Seeing Sirius and Harry fight along side each other was just heart-wrenching when you knew what was about to happen. Especially when Sirius said "Nice one, James!" Ugh, that made me want to cry. I would have liked to have seen and heard more of Lupin, though, as he's my favorite character in the whole series. It's also a good thing Michael Gambon plays Dumbledore now, because Richard Harris (God rest his soul) would have looked silly fighting Voldy.

re: re: goblet of fire

Boredom-induced re-watching of the 4th movie made me realize a jaw-dropping, ex-post-facto-obvious, plot hole. In fact, the entire plot of the story - Harry competing in the Triwizard Tournament - is completely pointless.

As the end reveals, a servant of Voldemort entered Harry into the tournament, and conspired for Harry to win the tournament, so Voldemort could get his hands on Harry. This is done by bewitching-or-whatever the Triwizard Cup to transport anyone who touches it (the first to do so wins the tournament) right to Voldemort. So, this begs the question: why go through the big trouble of the Tournament and the Cup? Just make a tennis ball the "portkey," throw it at Harry, yell "catch," and presto he's transported to Voldemort.

I'm on to you Rowling! I'll tear your empire to shreds before I'm done!

the king is dead. long live the king.

6-4, 6-4, 6-7 (5), 6-7 (8), 9-7.

Oh how I've waited for this day. I can't lie though. I dug Roger's tennis sweater.

dear imdb...

These Vantage Point pop-up ads have got to stop. They cover almost entire window and remain for 25 long, excruciating seconds before I'm given a " X Close" box. I accept the fact you need to make money to keep the site running, and what an gloriously useful site it is, but the Vantage Point ads are way over the line.

re: goblet of fire

First the book

• I know they explained it, but I still don't get Krum catching the snitch when it means Bulgaria loses my ten. You have to at least try and score an extra Quaffle so you can tie, right? I have to say it: only a woman could rationalize an athlete purposefully doing something that literally clinches his team losing. YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME. /Herm Edwards.
  
• Maybe Draco gets a bad wrap. You ever notice how Draco only talks trash, but and its the Gryffindors who respond physically? To my knowledge, the only times Draco has physically bullied anyone is during a Quidditch match.
• Binding magical contract my foot. Don't tell me they "have to" compete, because, well, they have to, you know! They have to or what, Rowling, what are the consequences. Contracts get breached every day. What makes the breach of a "magical contract" so ostensibly impossible? Especially when it applies to Harry, who never made or accepted a contract offer. You can't just force a kid to risk his life for a damn contest, completely against his will. /Slams head against keyboard.
• Let me get this straight - Moody's eye can look through clothing? He's a teacher, at a school, and he can look through clothing!?!?!?! Hello? Is this thing on?
  
• Neither Harry nor Ron thinking to ask Hermione to the ball is a bigger plot hole than the previously mentioned acid drops. I mean, Jesus, man, ARE THEY BLIND!?!?!?!??! And Ron wasn't even aware of her gender ("Neville's right - you are a girl")!?!??! Stop the madness!!!!
• Ok, ok, so maybe Rowling's original vision on the attractiveness of Hermione might not have been up to Watson's standard, but the fact both Harry or Ron never even considered asking their closest female friend to the dance really is absurd.
• Harry's trip to the Prefect bathroom made me realize that there was yet to be a mention of anyone taking a shower or bath at Hogwarts.
  
• I am continuously blown away by the common use of mail bombs by wizards. Yes, I said mail bombs. Howlers explode if you don't open them immediately remember? And they get sent out to the Ministry and Hogwarts and everyone's like "whatever." Terrorism happens every year at a FREAKING SCHOOL FILLED WITH YOUNG CHILDREN and NOBODY CARES.
• I was very disappointed that Hufflepuff wasn't given the House Cup in honor of Cedric.
  
• Uh, Hermione, I know Rita Skeeter is a total bitch and everything, but you do realize what "kidnapping" and "false imprisonment" are, right? Beetle form or not.
• And what's up with there being so many unregistered animaguses? I'm really tired of that as a plot twist.

And the movie..

First off, let me share my amusement about having to go to the "family" section of Best Buy to get a PG-13 movie. Roffles.

Now, to the actual film: wow, they cut out a lot. And it was still over two hours long. I suppose that's a testament to how long-winded Rowling can be. A lot of what they left out was understandable and probably for the best - pointless stuff like Winky and Dobby, the whole SPEW business, most of Rita's stories, and Hagrid's skrewts. But one thing I could not believe was left out: Dumbledore's plan at the close of the story. His instant exposition on how to respond to Voldermort's return - getting Lupin and the rest of the "old crowd" back together - left me flat-out giddy with anticipation about what lies ahead. See, that's the coolest thing about Dumbeldore. He's The Man With a Plan. They left that completely out, and it would have worked brilliantly on film. Damn. And where was Fudge's head-in-the-sand war strategy? That was pure Neville Chamberlain and I loved it.

By the way, what the hell were Cedric and Harry wearing for the third tasks? How am I supposed to take the duel with Voldermort seriously if Harry is dressed as a court jester?