Javy Lopez's easy three step guide to hitting a home run that counts as a single and being called out all at the same time.

Scoff if you may, men of little faith. But no scam here inlies.

1. Hit a ball over the fence, but close enough to the field to where one can wonder if Darin Erstad actually caught it.
2. Play with a crappy umpire crew that fails to make a quick decision, confusing both you and Tejada, your man on first.
   
3. Pass Tejada on the base paths, ruling yourself out.

Watch a well-executed demonstration of JLETSGTHAHRTCAASABCOAATST by the man himself.


PS- Why, you're asking yourself, are those fine crimson hosed boys playing so early this April morn? Well, I'm glad you asked.

The Friday After Maundy Thursday.

What does one say to others on Good Friday? Happy Good Friday? Peace of Christ? How's it going? Hey what's that thing on your head oh its your face?

Kidding. Well, not much major going on, so I'll just touch on a several issues.

• The law school search is finally narrowing down. Of the four schools I've been accepted to, Widener (Delaware campus) is the clear favorite. Barry was eliminated pretty quickly because it's simply not a good law school at all, and while I'd be OK with St. Thomas or Western New England, I'm not really down on the locations (Miami and Too-Far-From-Boston, MA). The problem with all this is, I'm wait listed at Valpo, New England and Mercer, and haven't heard from Elon. I'd prefer all of them to Widener, so I really won't know for sure what I'm doing until the summer.
  
• Fastball. I heard a few of their songs on Ren's road-trip mixes, and it inspired me to buy their greatest hits album. I used to think they were a two-hit wonder, with The Way and Out of My Head. But I really like their other stuff, especially Are You Ready For The Fallout, Human Torch and Love Is Expensive and Free.
  
• It took Tim Duncan 77 games to finally score above 30 points. No wonder my fantasy team is in fifth.
• Things were going great in Red Sox Nation, then we had to play the friggin' Blue Jays. I don't know what it is about that team, but they have the Sox's number. Boston won only 7 of 18 games against them last year and we've lost two of three this year.
  

It for now. My apologies if I went hyperlink crazy.

Hope Springs Eternal

Last night so did not count. Opening Day is not a single, boring, rain-delayed, five hour game. Opening Day is a day-long affair involving nearly every team, with Presidents tossing out first pitches, undefeated records for everyone and unknowns batting 1.000.

The Red Sox open on the road for the fifth straight year (I think), this time in Arlington (above) to face the Rangers. Captain Varitek just hit a two RBI double, driving in Ortiz and Nixon. Here's to a long and successful season.

Trot Gets Dissed By Steve Phillips. Advantage: Trot.

Steve Phillips, the man so smart he somehow GM'd the Mets into last place two years in a row despite having the second highest payroll in baseball, was on TV last night discussing his players to avoid for the upcoming 2006 fantasy season. Instead of saying obvious high-risk guys like Alfonso Soriano or Barry Bonds, he spends his time criticizing the likes of Mike Lowell and Tom's Official Hero, Christopher Trotman Nixon. Now, here are my issues.

1. No crap you shouldn't draft Mike Lowell. He had a horrible season last year and, so far, has shown no signs of coming back to his previous form. No one's going to waste a pick on him when you can just play wait-and-see during the season. You know who else you shouldn't draft? Mo Vaughn. Or Joe DiMaggio. However, I'm banking on a comeback season for Ty Cobb.

2. As much as it pains me to say it, not too many people will be drafting Trot either. He's been having way too many health issues recently to warrant anything above a late round pick. Hell, even I passed him up for some guy named Matt Murton. However, this wasn't the reasoning Phillips had for putting Trot on his bad list. He said you have to worry that there might be a "platoon situation" with Wily Mo Pena and how Trot will react to it. Hmmm... how would Trot play in a platoon. I wonder... Hey! I know! Maybe you could look to the previous three years when he was IN A FREAKING PLATOON with the likes of Jay Payton and Gabe Kapler.

I digress.

That's V-tacular

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."